"You have to recognize when the right place and the right time fuse and take advantage of that opportunity.
There are plenty of opportunities out there. You can't sit back and wait." By Ellen Metcalf
What is co-parent counseling? Being a single parent and "carrying the load alone" is not only difficult but also is not always the best for your child. Co-parent counseling was developed to help separated or divorcing parents learn ways to communicate and work together parenting their children.
Many separated or divorced parents are court ordered to attend co-parent counseling, but other times parents come to get help to improve their communication skills with the other parent. In either case, when co-parenting works it seems as if the child's worry and anxiety disappear and they can focus their energy on positive things in their life, like school, friends, sports, etc. When parents allow their anger and resentment to escalate into arguing and blaming in front of the child, that child is at a greater risk of low self-esteem, low academics, early sexuality, and drug and alcohol use.
How well the parent's "get along" and share custody of their child will determine how well their child will adjust long-term after divorce or separation.
Take a Self Assessment on the 5 factors that effect how well children adjust long-term after divorce/separation. Rate yourself in the following areas and answer Yes or No to the following statements.
•Have you been able to keep conflict at a very low level between you and the other parent?
•Have you adjusted to the divorce/separation and are moving forward in a healthy way in your life?
•Has the child's social life (support system, friends, school, activities) remained intact?
•Does your child spend time with each parent?
•Do you make time to be with your child individually without other people around?
•Do you and your child's parent keep your child out of the middle ("Not your messenger)"?
•Does your child feel comfortable and safe at "drop-offs and pick-ups"?
•Does your child feel loved and wanted in each home?
•Do you encourage your child to have an independent relationship with the other parent?
Answering any of the above with a NO will show you problem areas for your child's emotional adjustment. These are good areas to focus on in co-parent counseling. Answering YES will show you your areas of strengths.
What areas of concern can Co-Parent Counseling address?
•Improving communication skills. If there is verbal abuse, teaching anger management skills.
•Creating a workable parenting plan
•Recommending age appropriate discipline
•Teaching parenting skills to help create a parental dyad, aka "united front" so your children don't play one against each other
•Establishing role-sharing and new responsibilities
•Helping the transitioning between two households for the child and the parents
•Creating comfortable ways to do drop-offs and pick-ups
•Creating a format for back and forth parental communication, i.e., telephone, cell phone, e-mail, texting
•Reviewing the custody schedule, what's working and what's not
•Establishing working ground rules for child regarding, friends, outside activities, TV time, and homework
•Talking about the roles of family and friends
•Discussing miscellaneous topics brought by each parent
Can Co-Parent Counseling work with high-conflict couples?
Sometimes and sometimes not. The success of co-parent counseling rests in each parents willingness to put aside their own feelings of anger, blame, and resentment and focus on the needs of the child. It is necessary for each parent to transition from the couple's past relationship to a new co-parent relationship. This means moving forward and leaving the past behind, and then role modeling healthy communication with the other parent to give the child what they need to be successful young adults. (Many parents are in individual therapy outside co-parent counseling to help deal with their feelings.)
When working with a hostile couple, a therapist presents a directive and strategic approach. Showing the parents how children are negatively affected by hostile behavior seems to help the couple re-focus on the one thing the parents can agree on, "loving their children and wanting the best for them". Given this new focus helps transition the couple's relationship from a broken relationship filled with conflict to a business relationship working towards the same goal of co-parenting their children. Often times, this is a turning point in the co-parent counseling.
*Note: When one parent is unable or unwilling to participate in co-parent counseling, individual counseling can help a parent free him/herself of the debilitating power of negativity and find empowerment in positive attitudes and expressions.
My background as a Mediator/Licensed Marriage Family Therapist/Co-Parent Counselor
I have provided co-parenting counseling for the last 10 years for many couple's who have been mandated by the courts and also those who have sought out help to find a "better way" to get along with the other parent. Many have voiced their strong appreciation for the safe neutral environment that co-parent counseling offered them while working towards a better relationship to co-parent their children.
A major focus in my approach is "child-centered", meaning I put the needs of the children above the parents and help the parents do the same. I use solution focused/problem solving methods. I teach anger management and communication skills. At times I can be directive if I feel the needs of the child are being overlooked, but most of the time I work collaboratively with the parents to come up with win-win solutions. While I am a child advocate, I also provide a non-judgmental, supportive approach to create an environment that feels safe and comfortable.
I have a double Masters Degree in Psychology and a Certificate of Conflict Resolution/Mediation from John F. Kennedy University. I specialize in my practice to work with individuals, parents, and couples who are going through separation/divorce by providing individual, marital, pre-marital, divorce, and co-parent counseling.
I am a member of IACP: International Academy Collaborative Professionals and the local chapter of Collaborative Practice of East Bay. This organization of attorneys, financial professionals, and mental health professionals provides a team approach to working with divorcing families towards equitable settlements while keeping the family emotionally intact.
925-935-7463
Patsy Jabuka, M.A.
Licensed Marriage Family Therapist # 47618
E-Mail: pjabuka@hotmail.com
Offices in Danville and Pleasant Hill, CA